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What even non nerds need to know about SOPA

Today, some of the best websites on the internet—and Reddit—are blacked-out to protest SOPA. But you think "SOPA" is what an Italian tourist says when asking for the cleaning supplies aisle at an American convenience store. Here's a guide for those of you whose brains shut down when thinking about tech stuff, but still want to know what the hell everyone's tweeting about.

SOPA stands for the Stop Online Piracy Act
It's a House anti-piracy bill currently making its way through Congress that targets foreign websites dedicated to piracy—i.e. The Pirate Bay, and those janky Chinese TV-streaming websites you watch Mad Men on. Obviously, media companies and News Corp. boss Rupert Murdoch love the thing.

It is bad
But the internet—yes, THE ENTIRE INTERNET—is mad about SOPA because the bill overreaches in trying to destroy what they dramatically call "rogue" websites. Some of its provisions, like forcing search engines like Google to delist foreign sites deemed dedicated to piracy, sounds suspiciously like something China would do. CNET calls SOPA "an Internet death penalty," but SOPA is so broad that a lot of legitimate websites could be mistakenly executed. Do you want innocent websites to die?

You Should Care
SOPA represents a step towards an internet where the U.S. government and giant corporations have the power to determine what you see (or don't) when you Google something, or type in the URL of a website they don't like. (More than they already do, of course.) If you value an internet that is weird and upsetting and fun, and not just a digital shopping mall, then you should care about fighting SOPA.

Beware SOPA Madness
But some people really go overboard with this thing. Techies have been freaking out like SOPA would force U.S. troops to crush one million kittens, instead of just possibly censor some websites. They've staged a pointless boycott of web domain provider GoDaddy for supporting it, threatened to "destroy" the senators behind it, and bravely posed in front of their webcams for this insufferably twee "I Work for the Internet" campaign.

It's Probably Not Going to Pass
At least not as it's written now. SOPA was shelved on Monday after the White House came out against it, as it's currently written. Internet people point out that a sister bill, the Protect Intellectual Property Act (PIPA), is still being considered in the Senate. But PIPA's sponsor, Sen. Patrick Leahy, has said he'd be willing to remove the most objectionable parts. At this point, today's big blackout is as much a power play by geeks as anything. They're making noise in order to show political solidarity in advance of 2012 and beyond—for better or worse.

If you want to learn more, be sure to check out our friends at Gizmodo's in-depth explainer.

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Cops caught on dashboard camera planting evidence

Here's a video of two Utica, N.Y. police officers searching a car during a traffic stop. At 1:02, one officer pulls a small baggie of something out of his pocket and ducks into the car; at 1:31, he emerges again, holding the same baggie. Oops!

The video was obtained by the Utica Phoenix, which goes to great lengths to avoid specifically accusing the officers of evidence-planting. We understand! The cops are only "apparently" planting evidence: it's also possible that they just completely and egregiously mishandled the evidence they found. Utica cops also "apparently" really good at finding drugs on the property of black residents:

It is said that this video has been widely distributed through the Black community, being shown in barbershops, and other public places. Its viewing has fueled the renewal of complaints long charged against the Utica Police of the planting of evidence and other abuses by the local force.

A recent Phoenix interview of a Black female resident of Utica charges that police kicked in the front door of her home without a warrant. Inside, the woman's 83 year old handicapped mother was subject to police swarming through her house while they, ‘waited for a warrant.'

The dog was taken throughout the house and found no drugs. The dog was verbally abused, cursed and yanked around, finally to be returned to the car. Police continued their search and somehow, achieved what the trained nose of the police dog could not do. The officers ‘found' drugs.

According to the Phoenix, UPD has an "ongoing internal affairs investigation" into the incident, and apparently the video has been sent to the FBI "for review."

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Match the quote to the political scandal

It's time to play Match the Quote with the Political Sex Scandal! Why? Well, why not? The rules are complex, but surely you all can figure it out: You match the name of a political figure involved in a sex(ual harassment) scandal with one of his quotes from the time! See? I knew you could figure it out.

You can find the answer key at the bottom. Those who get them all correct will receive, well, a sense of shame for having followed these so closely. Pride, also.

Your Options:

Herman Cain
Ex-Sen. Larry Craig
Ex-Sen. John Edwards
Ex-Sen. John Ensign
Ex-Rep. Chris Lee
Ex-Rep. Eric Massa
Ex-Gov. Mark Sanford
Ex-Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger
Sen. David Vitter
Ex-Rep. Anthony Weiner
Ex-Rep. David Wu

The Quotes:

1. "I ask that the media respect my wife and children through this extremely difficult time. While I deserve your attention and criticism, my family does not."

2. "Our families were close. That closeness put me into situations which led to my inappropriate behavior. We caused deep pain to both families and for that I am sorry."

3. "I have been able to spend time with her during the past year and trust that future efforts to show her the love and affection she deserves can be done privately and in peace."

4. "I have to work this out with my wife."

5. "I was trying to protect my wife, I was trying to protect myself from shame, and I really regret it."

6. "I asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife in confession and marriage counseling. Out of respect for my family, I will keep my discussion of the matter there - with God and them."

7. "My behavior was wrong. I should have never allowed myself to be as familiar with my staff as I was."

8. "Again, that overreaction was a mistake, and I apologize for my misjudgment. Furthermore, I should not have kept this arrest to myself, and should have told my family and friends about it. I wasn't eager to share this failure, but I should have done so anyway."

9. "I have never acted inappropriately with anyone."

10. "This is very serious, and I have absolutely no desire to bring unwanted publicity, attention, or stress to a young woman and her family."

11. "I want to make absolutely clear that over the past two days at no time did anyone on my staff intentionally relay false information to other state officials or the public at large. What they've said over the past two days they believed to be true, and I'm sorry to them for putting them in this position."

Click here for the answers.

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Score one for sanity: Mississippi rejects abortion ballot initative

If you're a fan of women having reproductive rights, break out your finest bottle of champagne and do a celebratory dance in your living room. Realizing that they enjoy having access to hormonal contraceptives, IUDs, the morning after pill, in vitro fertilization, and yes, safe and legal abortion, Mississippi voters have voted down a ballot initiative that would have declared fertilized eggs are full-fledged people whose interests trump those of the woman whose uterus they need to survive.

The measure, called Initative 26, would have added a line to Mississippi's constitution that reads, "The term ‘person' or ‘persons' shall include every human being from the moment of fertilization, cloning or the functional equivalent thereof." The L.A. Times reports that as of 10:40 p.m. ET, 57% had voted to reject the measure and 43% supported it. Anti-choicers had hoped to use the new amendment not only to ban all abortions in Mississippi with no exceptions for rape, incest, or the mother's health, but to challenge Roe v. Wade.

Yet, the fact that similar measures have now been defeated twice in Colorado and once in Mississippi probably won't convince personhood nutjobs that outlawing birth control and IVF is too extreme even for most people who would like to see abortion made illegal. According to the Associated Press, the group Personhood USA is still trying to put these types of initiatives on the ballot in Florida, Montana, Ohio, and Oregon in 2012.

This is a much-needed win for pro-choicers, and it's certainly a relief to see sanity win out. For now women won't be forced to start smuggling cases of birth control pills across state lines, but we're still facing a relentless attack on reproductive rights. Mississippi only has one abortion clinic, and multiple restrictions on the procedure. Unfortunately, anti-choicers won't take this vote as confirmation that they don't have the right to force their personal beliefs on the rest of us.

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Judge Adams responds to video of him beating his disabled daughter with a belt

Judge William Adams—who became Internet Enemy No. 1 last night following the publication of a video showing him beating his disabled daughter—has spoken. He wants everyone to know that he apologized. And that the beating was "not as bad as it looks on tape."

The thing is,"not as bad as it looks" would still be really bad. According to KRIS-TV's Andy Liscano:

Judge Adams told us, "It happened years ago.. I apologized."

When asked if he thought the conduct in the video was excessive, Judge Adams said, "It's not as bad as it looks on tape."

Judge Adams also informed us he has already contacted the Judicial Review in Austin and "more will come out" during the investigation.

Judicial Review isn't the only thing he has to deal with, either: According to the Aransas County website, "the matter is now under review by the Police Department"—all thanks to Hillary Adams, who recorded and uploaded the video of herself being beaten, and the internet vigilantes who saw the video, shared it, and contacted authorities.

Of course, internet vigilantism brings with it a lot of extra baggage. Poor beleaguered county employees are also asking—begging—that even the well-intentioned "[p]lease refrain from communication with County offices or the Sheriff's Department on this matter until the review has been completed."

KRZ-TV's Keaton Fox reports that courthouse staffers are "getting death threats." Even Hillary is asking that people "stop threatening her father"—who, she says, "needs professional help and not hatred."

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Gawker: What your Halloween candy says about you

When the hordes of little tykes dolled up like Dora the Explorer and Spider-Man and whatever other licensed character costumes their parents bought for them at Target show up at your door this Halloween, know that you are being judged. No, it's not on your costume or your synced light show on your house. They're judging you on the treats you put in their bags.

What sort of impression do you want to make on the kids of the neighborhood and—more importantly, their parents—when they ring your bell and jut their grabby fat hands out at you for some overly-processed high fructose corn syrup delivery system? Here are some common solutions to America's trick-or-treating epidemic. Before you head down to the CVS to pick out your candy, think about the message you're giving out to the world.

Tiny Candy Bars
This is now the standard ration for people who show up at the door: one "party sized" treat. This is fair and just. It says that you care about Halloween and traditions and children and family values and all that great American bullshit, but you don't care too much. You're doing your duty and, while you're happy to do it, you're not going to go over the top or anything. What kind of candy you give out doesn't really matter, because kids will be happy with any sugary bribe. But if you give out single Reece's Peanut Butter Cups you are clearly the awesomest.

Sweet Tarts
Well, it's not just Sweet Tarts but anything non-chocolate based like Skittles or Starburst or Lifesavers or something like that. Like the person who gives out the little "party sized" treat, you're into Halloween and doing your duty, but you want everyone to think that you're a little bit wacky and crazy. You don't like chocolate. No, that's too cliche! You're bright and sunny and fun and probably learned what PLUR meant at a rave in the late '90s.

Candy Corn
Who the hell gives out candy corn to trick or treaters? Yes, it is the traditional seasonal treat, but you don't give it out to kids so it gets all clumpy and gross at the bottom of their trick or treat bags. That's nasty. Just put it in a dish on your desk or your coffee table or something. This just means that you're way too into Halloween and not very smart. Also, you don't know what kids like. I sure hope you don't have any.

Carob
You are a stupid vegan jerkface who wants to ruin one of the best days of the year for everyone around you. You think that pushing your "doesn't cast a shadow" agenda is more important that children's joy. Asshole.

Tootsie Rolls
Tootsie Rolls are totally the little black dress of Halloween candy. No one goes out and buys Tootsie Rolls normally, but then when you get them at someone's house and you get home and eat them, you're so happy that someone gave them to you. They're simple and different and classic and always great. Who doesn't love a Tootsie Roll? You're probably a very cool and stylish person who has a great wardrobe and a very well-appointed house. People don't think to ask you for advice, but when you give it, it's always spot on. Some people might think you're plain, but, to me, you're just plain great.

Lollipops
Lollipops are always the only thing left at the store on the afternoon before Halloween, because they're sort of lame and kind of an afterthought. You are the kind of person who really feels like he has to give out Halloween candy but you're either too busy or lazy to get to the store before the last possible second, so you have to buy the only thing left, so you get two bags of Dum Dums and hope that the kids will like the mystery flavor because, you're sorry, but this is all you had left and it's going to have to do. Everything in your life is just like those damn Dum Dums.

Full Candy Bars
You're just an annoying show off. You want to impress all the parents in the hood that you make so much money or you're so cool that you are splurging on giant sized candy bars. When handing these out to kids, whose eyes light up when they see you pull them out of the box from Costco, you're looking in the eyes of their parents thinking, "Yeah, I'm giving your kid an entire fucking Snickers. What?" as you puff up your chest in front of them. Either that or you're so emotionally scarred from childhood that you need everyone's approval, including a bunch of kids you're never going to see again—until next year, when they'll be demanding the good stuff all over again.

Anything Other than Candy
If you pull out some pennies or pencils or McDonald's gift certificates or that fudge you make that everyone in the office says is really amazing or, god forbid, apples, then you are an awful killjoy sadist who should just shut off your light, shun the world, and enjoy your reruns of Castle on DVR. Jerk.

Hersey Kisses
You're really more of a Christmas person, aren't you?

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