Confession: Because last night’s finale was infinitely better than last season’s disappointing end, half my notes were written in all caps and peppered with four letter words. Help yourself to some of Maxine’s pork rind casserole, ‘cause we’ve got a lot of ground to cover.
We joined Jesus and Lafayette (and Marnie, sort of) at a scene familiar to pretty much every couple at one point or another: The Awkward Brunch where stony silence with a side of home fries is the only item on the menu.Jesus apologized to Lafayette for everything that had transpired during their time with the coven. "LaMarnie" took this as an opportunity to voice her displeasure at Jesus’ forcibly casting Antonia out and she stabbed him in the hand with a fork and took him prisoner.
She told Jesus that she coveted something he had been trying to suppress his entire life – the powerful magic within him – and she threatened to kill Lafayette if he didn’t hand over the goods. So he did and she killed him. Sad trombone.
In Stackhouse news, Sookie and Tara convened for their annual Season Finale Coffee Klatsch where they rehashed how crazy their lives had been as of late and oh, by the way, it totally feels like Gran’s around.
Jason, meanwhile, told Hoyt about his dalliance with Jessica. Hoyt was predictably pissed and gave Jason a right proper ass kicking. (Truth be told, Jason deserved a beating for that mustache alone.)
At Merlotte’s, the bar was a hive of activity with lots of little tidbits teasing season 5's storylines.
Sergeant Patrick Devins, a fellow Marine from Terry’s past, showed up looking to reconnect. Arlene was left feeling puzzled because Terry had never mentioned Sgt. Devins. When you allegedly save a man’s life (twice!) wouldn’t you tell your wife?
Sookie celebrated being rehired by tending to Alcide’s broken heart. He told her all about his breakup with Debbie and tried to convince her that they belonged together. He was serving up a fierce case of puppy dog eyes when he was interrupted by an urgent phone call. More on that in a minute.
Later, Tara showed up and told Sookie and Holly what had happened to Jesus. They took off in search of Lafayette and left me to wonder yet again whether Sookie has ever actually worked a full shift at Merlotte’s.
The girls found LaMarnie, along with Bill and Eric, on the front lawn of Chez Compton. The boys were silvered to a stake and began to burn as LaMarnie, clad in a caftan from the Mrs. Roper Resort Collection, cast a spell.
The girls began their own incantation and summoned forth the ghostly inhabitants of the Bon Temps cemetery. Antonia also made an appearance, and she extinguished the flames before doling out a little witch wisdom.
Gran was there too and freed Lafayette before retreating back to the afterlife with Marnie in tow. Sookie mustered up another ugly cry and that was that. Ding dong the witch is dead, etc., etc.
Later, Sookie helped the boys heal by allowing them to feed on her. She then launched into an impromptu supernatural final rose ceremony that ended with her rejecting both guys. Brad Womack did it first and better, lady.
We also learned that the girls’ summoning spell brought back the best and the worst of Bon Temps when Rene paid Arlene a visit at the bar. He urged her to stay away from Terry because his past had finally caught up with him. Ominous!
In Shreveport, Pam was still reeling after Eric scolded her for trying to blow up Moon Goddess. In an inspired rant, she said everything we’ve always wanted to say about Sookie and then had a good cry as Ginger consoled her.
Back in Bon Temps, Sam and Luna had a talk about the future of their relationship and a mystery wolf appeared as they said good night. It’s got to be Marcus, right? After Franklin, I’ve learned that you’re not dead until you’re staked or fed to the alligators.
Elsewhere, Jason’s night improved exponentially when Jessica appeared on his doorstep dressed as Sexy Red Riding Hood. She told him she didn’t want a relationship but was totally down to keep on having sex with him, and of course that was just fine with Jason.
After Jessica left, there was a knock at the door and it was the long-missing Rev. Steve Newlin - who, by the way, is now a vampire.
And remember Alcide’s urgent phone call? An employee wanted to alert him to a problem at a former construction site. The trouble? A crater on the ground level of a concrete parking deck that could mean only one thing: Russell’s back, baby!
Nan rolled up to Chez Compton to inform Bill and Eric that she quit (read: was fired from) both the AVL and the Authority and was interested in forming a rebel faction. She then went on a tirade against Sookie, and the boys responded by staking her.
Finally, Sookie returned to an empty house to find a shotgun-toting Debbie in her kitchen. Debbie fired and hit Tara, who’d rushed to Sookie’s aid. Sookie then wrestled the gun away from Debbie and shot her in the face. (In the face! That’s cold-blooded. Fetch me the smelling salts, because I may never recover from this tragic loss.)
The show faded to black as Sookie’s cries for help went unanswered.
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