UGLY MEAN CAT - FREE:
"LOU IS A MEAN CAT. SHE WILL PROBABLY BITE AND SCRATCH YOU. SHE WILL PEE ON YOUR CARPET. SHE WILL NOT GO OUT OF HOUSE. SHE IS SPAYED. SHE HAS TO GO TO NEW OWNERS."
Best. Roomate. Ever.:
"Konichiwa bitches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further. You fucking found him. I'm a 25-year-old professional marketing agent with experience at bad-ass companies in New York Fucking City. That's right! What you know about experience? I graduated from Auburn University in Alabama, and moved to NYC at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that New York was a stinky shit-hole, I moved back to Alabama to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post shit like this on Craigslist.
Anyway, so I landed this job with a marketing firm in San Francisco, and I have no fucking clue where to live. Honestly, I'm moving there in 3 weeks, so I don't give a shit if I have to sleep in your bathtub.
A bit about me: I'm respectful, quiet, clean and I won't bother any of your shit. If you leave shit out, I'm just like, "Oh fuck I better not mess with this shit, because it's not mine." I turn off lights. I clean toilets. Fuck it. I'll even cook for you. That's right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern cajun cuisine. I'll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that shit in bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don't eat meat? That's fucking FANTASTIC! I'll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fucking socks off."
Large cat statue:
"Large Cat Statue made of porcelain and is white in color it is 8 feet tall and about 5 feet wide. The reason I am giving this away is because some neighborhood vandals have painted a rather large penis on the front of it. Email me if you are interested."
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