I'm moving to Roanoke, VA on June 12th! I need to lessen my moving load so I'm selling tons of clothes! Check out my closet on Poshmark. I also think this is a great site for anyone looking to sell their stuff.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Things that twenty-something year olds need to stop wasting money on
We’re all guilty of wasting money in one way or another. Millennials? Well, unchet’s just say our generation has an extra-special knack for blowing through our hard-earned cash.
One of our biggest hurdles? That would be food. We’ve been told to eat organic, locally-sourced ingredients—none of which comes cheap. Some of this stuff is so costly (is cold-pressed juice really worth $13?) that it’s not out of the realm to wonder if we’re being taken on a wild spending ride by food marketers.
Paying for convenience is another one of our pain points. It’s a relatively new phenomenon, thanks to the fact that all we have to do is press a button and we can have a car pick us up in three minutes, get sushi delivered in 15 minutes, or a pair of Jimmy Choos overnighted to our door.
Here, a list of 30 things twenty-somethings should think twice about before spending their money on. We aren’t saying you shouldn’t ever splurge—that’s no fun—but we are suggesting you give your spending habits a proper analysis in order to see where you could cut back that wouldn’t end up impacting your quality of living.
1. Daily lattes. Add up how much getting a fancy cup of coffee every day for 365 days is costing you and you might never be able to get out of bed again. Well, we did the math for you: Assuming your coffee is costing $5 a day, that’s a yearly spend of $1,825. Swallow that.
2. Unused gym memberships. We get it, you want to be fit, but sometimes saving money comes down to getting real with yourself. If you aren’t taking advantage of your gym membership, cancel it. You don’t need to be paying $100 a month for the idea that you could be going to the gym if you wanted to.
3. Seamless. The convenience factor of ordering takeout from basically any restaurant in your neighborhood is hard to resist (especially after a long day at work). Just like Uber, if you add up how much $20 here, and $35 there for dinner is costing you, you might just make a vow to never eat again.
4. Kale. We’ve been instructed en masse to eat superfoods like kale, goji berries, and chia seeds. Ever notice how expensive some of these foods are? We are starting to think this might be some massive conspiracy by grocery stores.
5. Credit card interest. Millenials are notorious for racking up credit card debt. Pay attention to your interest rates, and consider plans like debt consolidation, transferring your debt to another card, or simply working out a plan to pay off that debt once and for all.
Adam Katz Sinding
6. Fast fashion. You’ve probably rolled your eyes at stories told to you by your grandmother about how she bought one coat, and then wore it for the next 30 years. But that generation might have had it right. Raise your hand if you’re guilty of buying a huge quantity of clothes, and then only wearing each item a handful of times. Sometimes smart investment shopping will save you money in the long run.
7. Brand names. Do you really need brand-name cereal, brand-name toilet paper, brand-name chips, and brand-name aspirin? We didn’t think so.
8. Throwing away leftovers. Let’s also take a cue from previous generations here, and learn to make use of our food leftovers, not just throw them away.
9. Pressed juice. If you aren’t earning Harry Styles or Selena Gomez type money in your twenties, do yourself a favor and just stop drinking $12 pressed juices. You probably can’t afford it.
10. Late fees. We know, going out on your own is tough. Sometimes saving money simply means staying organized and on top of your bills to avoid late fees. Why pay extra when you don’t have to.
11. Uber. There’s nothing quite as easy as pressing a button and having a car appear to take you where you need to go. We don’t need to tell you that your Uber habit is adding up, big time. Give yourself an Uber (or taxi) cap for the month, and do your best to stick to it.
12. Eating out. This is a big one for millennials, many of which plan social activities around eating out. The best way to address this money-waster among your group of friends? Be the one to break the cycle and plan other, cheaper activities that are just as fun (pot-luck dinners, “House of Cards” binge watching sessions, you get the idea).
13. Overdraft fees. Make it a part of your routine to monitor how much money you have in your bank account to avoid overdraft fees.
14. Takeout lunch. How many days are you eating an over-priced salad for lunch during the workday? It requires a little bit of effort, but a huge money-saver is bringing your lunch to work. We know, you’ve heard this advice again and again, but think about it–you could easily end up spending $2,600 a year on salad (that’s five salads a week for 52 weeks).
15. Paying too much for smartpone data. Millenials love their smartphones. They love spending hours on Instagram, on the Internet, but we caution, watch how much money you are spending a month for your phone provider, and if you are paying overage charges for smartphone data. A quick (and beyond) easy trick to minimize these extra charges is to make sure you get on Wi-Fi wherever you can.
16. The latest tech gadgets. Is the next iPhone really going to be that different from the current one? Do you really need the latest tablet? Don’t fall under the marketing spell of rushing to buy the newest model of every gadget you own.
17. Not negotiating. Most things in life can and should be negotiated. The price of your cable package, the interest rate on your credit card, the rent increase on your apartment? Negotiate, negotiate, negotiate.
18. Overpriced cocktails. We know, that rosewater martini with liquid gold is just so damn pretty, but you don’t need to spend $25 on a drink to have a fun night out.
One of our biggest hurdles? That would be food. We’ve been told to eat organic, locally-sourced ingredients—none of which comes cheap. Some of this stuff is so costly (is cold-pressed juice really worth $13?) that it’s not out of the realm to wonder if we’re being taken on a wild spending ride by food marketers.
Here, a list of 30 things twenty-somethings should think twice about before spending their money on. We aren’t saying you shouldn’t ever splurge—that’s no fun—but we are suggesting you give your spending habits a proper analysis in order to see where you could cut back that wouldn’t end up impacting your quality of living.
1. Daily lattes. Add up how much getting a fancy cup of coffee every day for 365 days is costing you and you might never be able to get out of bed again. Well, we did the math for you: Assuming your coffee is costing $5 a day, that’s a yearly spend of $1,825. Swallow that.
2. Unused gym memberships. We get it, you want to be fit, but sometimes saving money comes down to getting real with yourself. If you aren’t taking advantage of your gym membership, cancel it. You don’t need to be paying $100 a month for the idea that you could be going to the gym if you wanted to.
3. Seamless. The convenience factor of ordering takeout from basically any restaurant in your neighborhood is hard to resist (especially after a long day at work). Just like Uber, if you add up how much $20 here, and $35 there for dinner is costing you, you might just make a vow to never eat again.
4. Kale. We’ve been instructed en masse to eat superfoods like kale, goji berries, and chia seeds. Ever notice how expensive some of these foods are? We are starting to think this might be some massive conspiracy by grocery stores.
5. Credit card interest. Millenials are notorious for racking up credit card debt. Pay attention to your interest rates, and consider plans like debt consolidation, transferring your debt to another card, or simply working out a plan to pay off that debt once and for all.
Adam Katz Sinding
6. Fast fashion. You’ve probably rolled your eyes at stories told to you by your grandmother about how she bought one coat, and then wore it for the next 30 years. But that generation might have had it right. Raise your hand if you’re guilty of buying a huge quantity of clothes, and then only wearing each item a handful of times. Sometimes smart investment shopping will save you money in the long run.
7. Brand names. Do you really need brand-name cereal, brand-name toilet paper, brand-name chips, and brand-name aspirin? We didn’t think so.
8. Throwing away leftovers. Let’s also take a cue from previous generations here, and learn to make use of our food leftovers, not just throw them away.
9. Pressed juice. If you aren’t earning Harry Styles or Selena Gomez type money in your twenties, do yourself a favor and just stop drinking $12 pressed juices. You probably can’t afford it.
10. Late fees. We know, going out on your own is tough. Sometimes saving money simply means staying organized and on top of your bills to avoid late fees. Why pay extra when you don’t have to.
11. Uber. There’s nothing quite as easy as pressing a button and having a car appear to take you where you need to go. We don’t need to tell you that your Uber habit is adding up, big time. Give yourself an Uber (or taxi) cap for the month, and do your best to stick to it.
12. Eating out. This is a big one for millennials, many of which plan social activities around eating out. The best way to address this money-waster among your group of friends? Be the one to break the cycle and plan other, cheaper activities that are just as fun (pot-luck dinners, “House of Cards” binge watching sessions, you get the idea).
13. Overdraft fees. Make it a part of your routine to monitor how much money you have in your bank account to avoid overdraft fees.
14. Takeout lunch. How many days are you eating an over-priced salad for lunch during the workday? It requires a little bit of effort, but a huge money-saver is bringing your lunch to work. We know, you’ve heard this advice again and again, but think about it–you could easily end up spending $2,600 a year on salad (that’s five salads a week for 52 weeks).
15. Paying too much for smartpone data. Millenials love their smartphones. They love spending hours on Instagram, on the Internet, but we caution, watch how much money you are spending a month for your phone provider, and if you are paying overage charges for smartphone data. A quick (and beyond) easy trick to minimize these extra charges is to make sure you get on Wi-Fi wherever you can.
16. The latest tech gadgets. Is the next iPhone really going to be that different from the current one? Do you really need the latest tablet? Don’t fall under the marketing spell of rushing to buy the newest model of every gadget you own.
17. Not negotiating. Most things in life can and should be negotiated. The price of your cable package, the interest rate on your credit card, the rent increase on your apartment? Negotiate, negotiate, negotiate.
18. Overpriced cocktails. We know, that rosewater martini with liquid gold is just so damn pretty, but you don’t need to spend $25 on a drink to have a fun night out.
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Stop training lawyers to be jerks
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| David Navala/Getty Images |
When I was a young lawyer, I was invited to sit in on a deposition with one of the managing partners at the firm. This was my first deposition, and one of my first experiences coming face to face with an adversary. When I got to the conference room, I asked opposing counsel and his client if they wanted anything to drink and if they were comfortable. I don't recall if they asked for anything, but what I do remember is what happened after the deposition. The managing lawyer pulled me aside and told me never to do that again. It was not my job to offer water or make the opposing side comfortable and in fact, it was my job to do the opposite. To make them as uncomfortable as possible.
This was just one example of the mentoring and advice I received from this partner, but it tainted the way I practiced law for a long time. His tactic was to be the most aggressive man in the room, to be the most boisterous and to never give an inch. I tried my best to mimic his tactics. I wanted to be tough. I wanted to win. I thought if I just followed his advice, I'd be just as successful as he was. But I wasn't.
As I reflect back on those very impressionable years of my professional life, there were many things I failed to see. If I could go back and do it all over again, I'd tell myself the following.
1. Lead with kindness. Going back to the example of not offering the opposing counsel and his client water to make them feel "uncomfortable," I wonder if that actually gave us any strategic advantage. We can debate whether such tactics work or not. However, to me, it doesn't matter. Even if not offering water did somehow give us a slight edge, I still believe I should have offered it. I became a lawyer to pursue justice and to help people. This means that I have to maintain my humanity. Maintaining humanity requires that I live in a manner consistent with my values, and one of the values I hold most dear is kindness. I do not believe you have to be unkind or cruel to win. In fact, it's been my experience that the more I can lead with kindness, the better the outcome I can achieve for my client (and often for all the parties involved).
2. Don't wear other people's suits. When the managing partner was teaching me the ropes of how to be an effective lawyer, what he didn't consider (and what I failed to see) is that he and I are very different. For one, he was a white man, 6'2" with a physique of a baseball player. I am a 5'5" asian woman weighing in at under 130 lbs. For me to mimic his persona is as ridiculous as me putting on his suit and marching into court. For me to pound my fist against the podium and raise my voice simply didn't work. It wasn't my style. Finding your own unique lawyering style is difficult to do, and it takes time. But just as you have to find suits that fit your personality and style, you must also develop your own lawyering style.
3. Be a good human. There's a temptation to leave behind your humanity and your values at the door when you walk into the office or the courtroom. I believe this is where you need to hold onto your values and sense of humanity the most. Being a good human means recognizing the common humanity in all of us. Even our opponents. I don't need to see them as the "enemy." They're just part of this case and they have their role, I have mine. I have to recognize that just as my client has his or her perspective, pain, trauma, anger, sadness and probably dozens of other emotions, so does the opposing side. And just like me, they have people they love and that love them. They also experience pain, joy and all the other emotions that life evokes.. Don't use zealous advocacy as an excuse to be unkind.
I shared this story with a few of my female lawyer friends, and many had similar stories. One attorney told me that her boss told her to never shake hands with the opposing party. Another attorney said her boss always turned down Continuing Legal Education (CLE) or speaking opportunities and explained he would "never give away his knowledge" that way, because he thought the other attorneys would just use it to compete with him.
When I hear these stories, I feel a sense of loss and sadness. Loss for the values in our profession. Loss for our common humanity. Loss for common decency and kindness. And I feel more committed to practicing law in a way that feels consistent with my values regardless of what others do. I'd like to challenge you to consider what you value and aligning your law practice to those values as well.
Monday, January 26, 2015
Tips to help you stop worrying
What has you up at night? The economy? The divided government? Jobs? Health care? Ebola?
According to an October 2014 Gallup poll, Americans worry about a lot of issues. Many of those things are outside of our control, and worrying just compounds the grief.
According to a study by the University of Surrey in the United Kingdom, worrying can have long-term chronic health consequences, including cardiovascular disease.
How do you stop? While exercise is a commonly prescribed cure for easing your worries—it’s considered better than Xanax because it releases feel-good hormones—you don’t have to break a sweat to calm your fears.
Here are seven other actions you can take to take your mind off of your troubles:
1. CHANGE YOUR BEDTIME
If you like to stay up late at night, you might be feeding your inner worrier. Researchers at Binghamton University in New York found that people who go to bed very late and sleep for short amounts of time are more overwhelmed with negative thoughts than those who keep more regular sleeping hours. They tend to worry about the future and dwell over past events, and they have a higher risk of anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder.
"Making sure that sleep is obtained during the right time of day may be an inexpensive and easily disseminable intervention for individuals who are bothered by intrusive thoughts," said Jacob Nota, one of the study’s researchers.
If you like to stay up late at night, you might be feeding your inner worrier. Researchers at Binghamton University in New York found that people who go to bed very late and sleep for short amounts of time are more overwhelmed with negative thoughts than those who keep more regular sleeping hours. They tend to worry about the future and dwell over past events, and they have a higher risk of anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder.
"Making sure that sleep is obtained during the right time of day may be an inexpensive and easily disseminable intervention for individuals who are bothered by intrusive thoughts," said Jacob Nota, one of the study’s researchers.
2. SMELL A GRAPEFRUIT
Breathing in certain aromas can help reduce stress. In a study at James Cancer Hospital in Columbus, Ohio, researchers tested the effect of pleasant-smelling essential oils by diffusing them in the central nurses station. Oncology nurses, who frequently suffer from work-related stress, compassion fatigue, and burnout, reported significant improvements in tension, worry, and demands over the course of the study.
One of the essential oils tested was grapefruit, which is refreshing and revitalizing, and helped boost the body’s feelings of energy and happiness.
Breathing in certain aromas can help reduce stress. In a study at James Cancer Hospital in Columbus, Ohio, researchers tested the effect of pleasant-smelling essential oils by diffusing them in the central nurses station. Oncology nurses, who frequently suffer from work-related stress, compassion fatigue, and burnout, reported significant improvements in tension, worry, and demands over the course of the study.
One of the essential oils tested was grapefruit, which is refreshing and revitalizing, and helped boost the body’s feelings of energy and happiness.
3. BREATHE SLOWLY
Deep breathing, also called yoga breathing, is known to lower stress and anxiety. In his book Spontaneous Happiness: A New Path to Emotional Well-Being (Little, Brown & Company; 2013), Andrew Weil suggests using a technique he calls the "4-7-8 breath" as a calming practice and tool to use when you are feeling upset.
First, exhale completely through your mouth, then inhale through your nose for a count of four. Hold your breath for seven seconds, then exhale through your mouth for a count of eight. It’s not possible to breathe deeply and be anxious at the same time, says Weil. He recommends using the 4-7-8 breath technique at least twice a day or whenever you feel stressed.
Deep breathing, also called yoga breathing, is known to lower stress and anxiety. In his book Spontaneous Happiness: A New Path to Emotional Well-Being (Little, Brown & Company; 2013), Andrew Weil suggests using a technique he calls the "4-7-8 breath" as a calming practice and tool to use when you are feeling upset.
First, exhale completely through your mouth, then inhale through your nose for a count of four. Hold your breath for seven seconds, then exhale through your mouth for a count of eight. It’s not possible to breathe deeply and be anxious at the same time, says Weil. He recommends using the 4-7-8 breath technique at least twice a day or whenever you feel stressed.
4. EAT CHOCOLATE
While sweets can cause you to have a sugar high and crash, researchers have found that a little chocolate can be beneficial for worriers. According to a study published in the Journal of Proteome Research, dark chocolate can help calm your nerves. Participants who ate one and a half ounces of dark chocolate a day for two weeks had reduced levels of stress hormones.
While sweets can cause you to have a sugar high and crash, researchers have found that a little chocolate can be beneficial for worriers. According to a study published in the Journal of Proteome Research, dark chocolate can help calm your nerves. Participants who ate one and a half ounces of dark chocolate a day for two weeks had reduced levels of stress hormones.
5. ENGAGE IN FOREST THERAPY
Walking in the woods and listening to the sounds of nature can reduce stress. Called shinrin-yoku, which means "forest bath" in Japanese, the practice lowers stress hormone levels compared with walking in an urban area.
"Studies have confirmed that spending time within a forest setting can reduce psychological stress, depressive symptoms, and hostility, while at the same time improving sleep, and increasing both vigor and a feeling of liveliness," write Eva Selhub and Alan Logan in their book Your Brain on Nature (Collins; 2013). "Japanese researchers found that 20 minutes of shinrin-yoku—compared with 20 minutes in an urban setting—altered cerebral blood flow in a manner that indicated a state of relaxation."
Walking in the woods and listening to the sounds of nature can reduce stress. Called shinrin-yoku, which means "forest bath" in Japanese, the practice lowers stress hormone levels compared with walking in an urban area.
"Studies have confirmed that spending time within a forest setting can reduce psychological stress, depressive symptoms, and hostility, while at the same time improving sleep, and increasing both vigor and a feeling of liveliness," write Eva Selhub and Alan Logan in their book Your Brain on Nature (Collins; 2013). "Japanese researchers found that 20 minutes of shinrin-yoku—compared with 20 minutes in an urban setting—altered cerebral blood flow in a manner that indicated a state of relaxation."
6. WRITE DOWN YOUR WORRIES
Getting your emotions down on paper sounds like it could fuel anxieties, but according to a University of Chicago study published in the journal Science, the activity has the opposite effect. Students who were prone to test anxiety were asked to write about their fears before an exam; those who journaled improved their test scores by nearly one grade point.
"It might be counterintuitive, but it’s almost as if you empty the fears out of your mind," Sian Beilock, an associate professor in psychology at the University of Chicago, told U.S. News And World Report. "You reassess that situation so that you’re not as likely to worry about those situations because you’ve slain that beast."
Getting your emotions down on paper sounds like it could fuel anxieties, but according to a University of Chicago study published in the journal Science, the activity has the opposite effect. Students who were prone to test anxiety were asked to write about their fears before an exam; those who journaled improved their test scores by nearly one grade point.
"It might be counterintuitive, but it’s almost as if you empty the fears out of your mind," Sian Beilock, an associate professor in psychology at the University of Chicago, told U.S. News And World Report. "You reassess that situation so that you’re not as likely to worry about those situations because you’ve slain that beast."
7. TAKE UP KNITTING
Keeping your hands busy can help keep your mind off of worries. In a study at the Medical Research Council in Cambridge, England, volunteers watched graphic footage of car wrecks. Participants who had been asked to type a repetitive pattern while viewing the film suffered fewer flashbacks later on. Verbal distractions, such as counting out loud, had no benefit.
Researchers discovered that keeping your hands and mind busy interferes with storing and encoding visual images, which explains why worry beads and knitting calm us down.
Keeping your hands busy can help keep your mind off of worries. In a study at the Medical Research Council in Cambridge, England, volunteers watched graphic footage of car wrecks. Participants who had been asked to type a repetitive pattern while viewing the film suffered fewer flashbacks later on. Verbal distractions, such as counting out loud, had no benefit.
Researchers discovered that keeping your hands and mind busy interferes with storing and encoding visual images, which explains why worry beads and knitting calm us down.
How to outsource your life
These days, there's an app for EVERYTHING. If money were no object, you wouldn't actually have to leave your house. You can have someone come over to give you a manicure, ship a package, even bring you pot! It's gotten a little nuts. Here's a round-up of services you can get...Shyp for sending packages. (No more post office lines!)
Instacart for groceries (Whole Foods, Costco, etc.)
Seamless for restaurant delivery.
Minibar for alcohol.
Good Eggs for farmer's market goods.
UrbanStems or BloomThat for flower delivery.
Kitchensurfing for personal chefs.
Homepolish for interior decorating.
Washio for laundry and dry cleaning.
Priv for manicures and beauty treatments at home.
Glamsquad for blow outs at home.
Zeel or Soothe for at-home massages.
Lyft for rides; Hailo for cabs; Bandwagon for airport rides.
Spike for motorcycle sharing.
Handy for handymen and home cleaning.
TaskRabbit for random tasks.
Postmates for delivery of pretty much anything.
UrbanSitter for babysitters.
GotIT! for tutoring.
Friday, April 18, 2014
Life-changing hacks to make adulthood easier
1. Always get the name of the person you are speaking with. Because an effective way to argue with some corporate person on the other line is not: “The person I spoke with last time I called Con Ed said that I’d paid my bill.” That sounds like you either spoke to a ghost or are trying to scam the electric company. Save yourself some time and energy: “I spoke to Ashley, her employee number is 1234567, and she said I’d paid my bill.” BIAAATCH.2. Leave your heels under your desk at work and wear sneakers for the commute. It may feel fun and rom-commy to be running through the streets to work in your heels, but that shit wears off its charm the second you feel the first blister forming.
3. You don’t have to drop a zillion dollars on anti-aging face cream — just get a drugstore brand with retinol. Our beauty editor Carly Cardellino says that you do not need to let an upscale makeup store salesperson talk you into getting a $300 serum made of crushed-up diamonds and glowworm jizz. Just go to CVS.
4. Use adhesive velcro to stick phone and laptop chargers underneath your desk. You WILL NOT be the girl whose phone dies every afternoon at 4 p.m.
5. Did you accidentally send a text to the wrong person? DON'T PANIC. Put your phone on airplane mode and it will fail to deliver. You're so welcome.
6. Order your drinks at "kids' temperature" at coffee shops.You'll save yourself a burnt tongue, the biggest #firstworldproblem our nation faces today.
7. Marshmallows help sore throats. So you've got an excuse to treat yourself when goddamn mouth-breathing Linda at work gives you a cold.
8. If some dude keeps blowing up your phone, send him the following text message. "SERVICE ERROR 305: MESSAGE DELIVERY FAILED. FURTHER MESSAGES WILL BE CHARGED TO YOUR ACCOUNT." Take that, Neckbeard.
9. When you heat leftovers, space out a circle in the center of them. It'll make them heat more evenly. Because nobody likes scalding hot potatoes and cold meat, except maybe aliens.
10. If you've got a ridiculously expensive candle that's burned too low to light with a regular lighter or match, use a dry spaghetti stick.
11. To avoid a mess at your #AdultDinnerParties, use unscented dental floss to neatly cut cheese or dessert.
12. Plump up a flattened pillow again by putting it in the sun for 30 minutes. I don't know why this works. It just does. I'm 27 now, and I know things.
13. Those plastic hangers you sometimes get when you buy clothes from places like Old Navy have clips that are good for keeping bags of chips fresh. As seen here.
14. Wrapping a wet paper towel around your warm beer and putting it in the freezer will make it frosty in 15 minutes. Like Paula Cole, you don't wanna wait. To have a beer.
15. And frozen grapes chill white wine while you drink it. Just freeze the grapes. (Delicious summer snack too, bee-tee-dubz.)
16. A hanging shoe rack is great for storing cleaning supplies on the side of your bathroom door. Instead of tripping over your spray bottle of OxyClean every time you have to pee.
17. If nothing's worked for a bad breakout or you've been feeling run-down, use apple cider vinegar as an all-purpose healing mechanism. Dilute it with water to use as a toner, shampoo, or dietary supplement... just make sure it's one of these, with "the mother" in it. Salad dressing will not improve your skin.
18. Run out of bleach for a load of your white laundry? Use white vinegar. It's better for removing pit stains and general body-related clothing stains anyway.
19. Get removable platform shelves for your cabinets and closets. Double the space! And you will never ever get around to installing actual shelves.
20. Set up Kayak price alerts for flights to every city you eventually want to visit. Maybe you didn't plan on that long weekend in Paris this year, but for a round-trip flight that cheap, what the hell, right?
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Three powerful ways to stop wasting time
Since the whole point of this article is to help you make the most of your time and career, I won’t waste words here. All three of these techniques work well, but you should pick the one that best fits your personality and personal situation:1. The Repeat Test
Take a piece of paper or a spreadsheet, and make a column of numbers representing the hours of the day that you are awake. Mine goes 7, 8, 9, 10 11, 12… and all the way back to 11. Leave enough room for a wider column to the right of the first one.
At the top of every hour, stop for one minute and consider how you spent the past hour. Was it useful or a waste of time? Would you repeat the same action again, or are you frustrated that it was an incredible waste of time?
Now jot a few words next to the number that represents that hour. You might write: ran six miles, feel fantastic.On the other hand, you could observe: dept. meeting accomplished nothing… 30 people in one room is far too many.
Be careful not to let this exercise transform you into a selfish jerk; sometimes wonderful uses of your time are inefficient and require patience and/or generosity. For example, after I met with a young assistant, I wrote: it took three tries, but was worth it; Dave gets it now.
You can use this technique to improve your own performance. If you make the mistake of dominating a meeting and offending others, you might write: I need to listen a LOT more.
Try this for a couple of days, and see how it works. At the very least, you will gain immediate insight into the ways that you use your time.
If you keep at this, The Repeat Test will give you a valuable record of how you spent your week, month or year. In my experience, it is much more useful to have a What I Did list than a To Do list. The former is based in reality, while the latter is often a pipe dream.
2. Take 10 at the Hour
For some, The Repeat Test is too judgmental; they don’t feel comfortable evaluating every meeting and personal interaction. If this describes you, try this technique that is utterly non-judgmental.
At the top of every hour, take 10 long, slow deep breaths. While you do this, clear your mind of everything. Don’t analyze your day, and don’t start spinning your plans about what you are going to do three minutes from now. Just stop.
The benefits of Take 10 don’t occur while you are pausing, so don’t expect immediate miracles. But I find that after such a break, my stress level shrinks and good ideas tend to pop into my head.
And, yes, sometimes it becomes clear to me that I am using entirely the wrong tactics to get what I want.
3. Go Slower
This may be the most counter-intuitive advice you have ever received: by going slower, you can save time.
Instead of rushing to send a cryptic email that results in three or four back-and-forth exchanges before the other person understands your intent… go slower and compose a clear and complete message that the other person understands the first time.
Instead of rushing out a report that triggers alarm bells across your business… go slower and “socialize” your conclusions before you release the report, giving others the opportunity to influence – and understand – your conclusions.
Instead of rushing to furnish your apartment, buy a new house or plan a vacation… go slower and figure out what will really make you happy over the long run.
It takes far less time to do something right the first time, than to suffer through countless rushed efforts.
Treat time as the most precious of all gifts, because it is.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Why surprise weddings are the worst new trend
The morning of their engagement party, Adam Verheyen handed his fiancée, Carly Butler, a hand-written letter. Carly had recently returned from a six-month solo trip learning about her family history and writing a book, and she and Adam had gotten engaged while she was away. Now she read the sweet, romantic letter out loud with him. The letter announced, “Today is not our engagement party. It is our wedding.”Adam had planned a “surprise wedding.” According to Jezebel, it’s now a trend to plan your entire wedding in secret and spring it on your fiancé(e) like a surprise birthday party. Last year, one such wedding even happened live on Good Morning America.
It’s incredibly ironic that an event meant to celebrate the joining of two people in marriage would be so one-sided, and that consent would be deemed so irrelevant. Relationships aren’t—or shouldn’t be—about one person deciding and creating things for another. They should be about two people building a life together.
In case my reference to “consent” doesn’t make sense, consider this: expressing a desire to have sex with someone doesn’t mean they get to decide unilaterally when and where and how the sex will happen. Agreeing to marry someone doesn’t mean they get to decide unilaterally when and where and how you’ll get married and who the guests will be and what music you’ll have and what types of hors d’oeuvres will be served. Unless, of course, you tell your partner that you don’t really care about these details and they’re free to do whatever they want with the wedding planning.
Weddings, like the marriages they are meant to celebrate, should be collaborative. That collaboration can mean “We make all the decisions together,” or it can mean “I don’t care, it’s all up to you!”, or it can mean anything in between. Personally, if someone sprung a wedding on me like that, I’d have to have a serious conversation with them about why they don’t think my own wedding preferences matter enough to be taken into account.
From the sound of it, the surprised fiancées were happy with the weddings they got. That’s great. I’m not here to tell them not to be happy.
However, a news article with the headline “Local bride disappointed at groom’s surprise wedding, wishes her desires had actually been taken into account” isn’t going to get published anywhere anytime soon. Why? Because it doesn’t fit our narrative of what weddings are and what they mean—and because many women in this situation would probably keep their discomfort to themselves. From childhood, we’re taught that when a guy does something so special for us, especially when it involves spending lots of money, we should be grateful and appreciative.
Why are surprise weddings even a thing? I think there are several contributing factors. One is that this fits into the general trend of ever-bigger, more expensive, more ostentatious, more memorable weddings. In a culture that focuses much more on the celebration of a marriage than on that marriage itself, it makes sense that people want their weddings to be something they (and the guests) will talk about for years, maybe decades. If you get some media attention in the process, that doesn’t hurt. Furthermore, celebrity weddings and the relentless dissection of them both in print media and online gives people something to aspire to.
Another factor is gender. Although I’m sure there have been cases of men surprising male partners with weddings, or women surprising partners of any gender with weddings, all the examples I’ve seen so far have been of men surprising fiancées. Men are socialized to be in control and to provide for their girlfriends and wives. Although wedding planning has traditionally been the role of the woman, it’s not surprising that men, feeling pressure to give their partners everything, decide to plan a big surprise wedding their partners never asked for.
Moreover, the idea of men making decisions for their female partners is much more commonplace and accepted than the reverse. Think of men ordering for dates at restaurants, expecting wives to stay home with the children, choosing where to live based on their own jobs and preferences, not those of their wives. I’ve been blissfully sheltered from these things, but I still remember my irritation when a guy I was seeing insisted on taking me on a “surprise date” and refusing to tell me what restaurant it was, what kind of food it served, how much it would cost (not that paying for my own meal would’ve been an option), or when I could expect to get home afterward.
Much more commonplace are weddings that are a surprise to the guests, but not to either half of the couple getting married. That’s a much less creepy way to include an element of surprise in the celebration. However, it’s worth considering the fact that weddings aren’t just about the two people getting married, or else everyone would just do it by themselves at City Hall. They’re about celebrating a marriage together with your friends and family. Those friends and family might appreciate knowing what type of party it is they’re invited to, whether it’s to make sure they don’t wear jeans or so that they don’t accidentally skip your wedding to watch the new season of House of Cards.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
Secrets from the happiest people on earth
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1. Relationships, relationships, relationships
What happens when you look at the happiest people and scientifically analyze what they have in common? Researchers did just that. There was a clear answer to what differentiated these people from everyone else — and it wasn't money, smarts, age, gender, or race.
It was strong social relationships.
Turns out, there was one — and only one — characteristic that distinguished the happiest 10 percent from everybody else: the strength of their social relationships. My empirical study of well-being among 1,600 Harvard undergraduates found a similar result — social support was a far greater predictor of happiness than any other factor, more than GPA, family income, SAT scores, age, gender, or race. In fact, the correlation between social support and happiness was 0.7. This may not sound like a big number, but for researchers it's huge — most psychology findings are considered significant when they hit 0.3. The point is, the more social support you have, the happier you are. [The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work]The Grant Study (which followed a group of men for their entire lives) found that "the capacity to love and be loved was the single strength most clearly associated with subjective well-being at age eighty."
Vaillant's insight came from his seminal work on the Grant Study, an almost seventy-year (and ongoing) longitudinal investigation of the developmental trajectories of Harvard College graduates. (This study is also referred to as the Harvard Study.) In a study led by Derek Isaacowitz, we found that the capacity to love and be loved was the single strength most clearly associated with subjective well-being at age eighty. [Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-being]If you do one thing today to be happier, spend time with friends. Not spending more time with people we love is something we regret the most.
2. Do more, not less
The happiest people are those that are very busy but don't feel rushed:
Who among us are the most happy? Newly published research suggests it is those fortunate folks who have little or no excess time, and yet seldom feel rushed.
I know, you're tired. You want a break. But doing nothing is not the answer. Too much time is a burden: Surveys "continue to show the least happy group to be those who quite often have excess time." Boredom, it seems, is burdensome.
So what do you need to be doing? Things you're good at.
"Signature strengths" are the things you are uniquely talented at — and using them brings you joy. People who deliberately exercised their signature strengths on a daily basis became significantly happier for months.
When 577 volunteers were encouraged to pick one of their signature strengths and use it in a new way each day for a week, they became significantly happier and less depressed than control groups. And these benefits lasted: Even after the experiment was over, their levels of happiness remained heightened a full month later. Studies have shown that the more you use your signature strengths in daily life, the happier you become.[The Happiness Advantage: The Seven Principles of Positive Psychology That Fuel Success and Performance at Work]Signature strengths are the secret to experiencing more "flow" at work and in life. Exercising them is why starving artists are happier with their jobs. The old saw "those who do what they love never work a day in their life" seems true.
3. Do not stay in a job you hate
Karl Pillemer of Cornell University interviewed nearly 1500 people age 70 to 100+ for his book 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans. What piece of advice were they more adamant about than any other? More adamant about than lessons regarding marriage, children, and happiness?
Do not stay in a job you dislike.
You know those nightmares where you are shouting a warning but no sound comes out? Well, that's the intensity with which the experts wanted to tell younger people that spending years in a job you dislike is a recipe for regret and a tragic mistake. There was no issue about which the experts were more adamant and forceful. Over and over they prefaced their comments with, "If there's one thing I want your readers to know it's . . ." From the vantage point of looking back over long experience, wasting around two thousand hours of irretrievable lifetime each year is pure idiocy. [30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans]Take a lesson from people who have already seen most of what life has to offer: Do not waste time in a job you hate.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
How "Office Space" influenced the way an entire generation thought about work
Nobody wants to be just another cog in the machine. None of us dream of working a job we hate, for a boss who repulses us, mindlessly tapping buttons day in and day out, just to make a living. Sure, there’s the whole, “It’s just a paycheck” justification, but does that ever succeed in making you feel less miserable?When Mike Judge’s film Office Space came out in 1999, I was observing that time-honored tradition of American 18-year-olds: trying to understand Marx while also smoking an obscene amount of pot. Which probably explains why, even though it was billed as a comedy,Office Space looked more like a horror film to me, following an unhappy worker stuck in a grayish, Kafkaesque hell of an office where a woman keeps repeating, in a high-pitched voice, “Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment.” Bill Lumbergh was the vampire-like labor-sucker Marx wrote about, and the mundane life Peter Gibbons went home to after he clocked out seemed like some bit of purgatory as imagined by a modern-day Dante.
Although my mind was saturated with THC and irrational fears of the real world I was soon going to have to walk into, Office Space really did serve as a cautionary tale for me. In fact, I think it educated an entire generation about exactly what we should not want from life, skewering and satirizing all the tiny indignities of office work. Sitting behind a desk pushing paper was revealed to be no different from working at a corporate chain restaurant where your performance is measured by the amount of “flair” you wear. Both types of jobs would eventually, the movie promised, chew you up and spit you out.
I’ve re-watched Office Space plenty of times since its release, and I can say with clear and sober surety — even though jobs are far more scarce on its 15th anniversary — that the film remains just as potent a critique of meaningless white-collar work as it was in the Clinton-era budget-surplus days.
In 2014, it seems clear that this “cult classic” is one of the most sneakily influential films of the last 20 years. I get the sense that almost everyone who watched Office Space around its release decided they wanted something different out of their work experience. For a lot of people in my generation, that’s meant fewer cubicles, more open spaces; less suit-and-tie (unless you’re Justin Timberlake), more jeans-and-collared-shirt; less company-speak, more chilled-out jargon; less gray, more colors. Watching shows like Girls, you get a glimpse of the current generation’s office culture, full of natural light, snack bars, and cool coworkers having a good, company-sanctioned time.
Still, no matter which way you spin it, it’s all business. The ugly face of capitalism rears its ugly head; downsizing happens, employees put in long hours in those beautiful offices, and nobody can find their worktruly fulfilling 100 percent of the time. Office Space ends on a happy note, with Peter finding happiness through working outdoors, shoveling the rubble from the office where he once wasted away. Will he remain satisfied with his new occupation? Who knows? The whole point was that he got out of Initech, escaped one vividly rendered workplace nightmare, and got plenty of young people thinking about how to avoid a similar fate.
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Saturday, February 22, 2014
Things we should start making time for again
1. Writing things by hand. Letters to friends, lists for the store, goals for the week, notes for lovers, thank you cards and memos to coworkers. Digital communication is easy and convenient but ask anybody: there’s a huge difference between texting someone to say that you love them and hope they have a great day and writing it on a note and leaving it next to their bed.2. Savoring time to do nothing. Taking a cue from pre-industrialized society and cultures that enjoy siestas and long, drawn-out, sit-down teas that serve no other purpose than to spend time enjoying the time you have.
3. Thinking before responding. We’ve become too conditioned to require things immediately. Someone asks a question, and we have to respond that second. Such was not the case before instant messaging and comment threads. A sign of true intelligence and confidence, I think, is someone who takes time to consider the question at hand in a little more depth, and then offers a response.
4. Cooking a nice meal just for the sake of doing so. It really trains you to defy your need for instant gratification and of course puts you in touch with something that’s very human and can be lovely if done right.
5. Getting really dressed up for no other reason than just wanting to.
6. Books. Actual hard copy books that you can scribble notes in and mark off sections of and smell ink through and hear the sound of turning pages and bending spines while you read.
7. Making phone calls to relatives for no other reason than to just say hi, and to ask how they’re doing.
8. Disconnecting from technology frequently enough that we won’t be anxious and feeling like we’re missing something when we try to do so for an extended period of time.
9. Celebrating things with long, multiple course dinners that we hold for people as opposed to just drinking ourselves into an oblivion and being belligerent (that has it’s time and place, of course, but having thoughtful, celebratory dinners is a dying art).
Check out “The Truth About Everything” here.
10. Cleaning because it’s satisfying and doing things like painting walls or getting fresh flowers just because it’s therapeutic.
11. Spending time with kids, and doing kid things with them. They just know what’s up.
12. Answering things in a timely fashion, not putting off invitations and requests just because we can.
13. Making sure relationships are actually based on time spent with one another. People seem to be sustaining them through only digital means with increasing frequency and I can understand how that’s important if it’s temporarily long distance but in general, physically being with people is the only thing that will give you that sense of human connectedness.
14. Just sitting and listening to music. We’ve made music background noise in our everyday lives, but now and again we should just sit and enjoy it like people used to.
15. Traveling by train, or if that’s not possible, at least exploring places that you pass everyday. Especially if you live in a big city, there are always little hidden gems around that you won’t believe you lived without seeing while they were a block away from you all along.
16. Putting personal health and well-being first, as it often falls to the wayside in importance. This means, aside from the obvious, taking those personal days and using them to just relax. We’ve made such a quirky commodity out of enjoying napping and relaxing, as though doing so makes us boring and old. It doesn’t, it’s healthy.
17. Planning something, especially with someone else, as simple as dinner or as grandiose as a long vacation next year. You always need something to look forward to.
18. Stopping to talk to people throughout the day. Connecting with them genuinely, as such interaction is really important but is becoming increasingly less common. Turning our phones off when out to dinner (who even turns them off anymore?) and learning to not spend all of our time documenting whatever we’re doing for social media. It often takes away from the experience itself.
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Saturday, January 18, 2014
Friday, January 10, 2014
How losing can help you win
In the book Art and Fear, the artists Ted Orland and David Waylon share a story about a ceramics teacher who tried an experiment with his class.The teacher divided the students into two groups. Those sitting on the left side of the studio were to be graded solely on the quantity of their work, while those on the right, solely on the quality. The instructor informed the students in the quantity group that a simple rule would be applied to evaluate their grades: those who produced fifty pounds of pots would get an A, those who produced forty pounds a B, and so on.
For the quality group, the instructor told the students that he would assign a course grade based on the single best piece produced over the duration of the course. So if a student created a first-rate pot on day one of the course and did nothing else for the term, he would still get an A.
When the end of the quarter arrived and it came to grading time, the instructor made an interesting discovery: the students who created the best work, as judged by technical and artistic sophistication, were the quantity group. While they were busy producing pot after pot, they were experimenting, becoming more adept at working with the clay, and learning from the mistakes on each progressive piece.
In contrast, the students in the quality group carefully planned out each pot and tried to produce refined, flawless work, and so they only worked on a few pieces over the length of the course. Because of their limited practice, they showed little improvement.
We like this story because it points out an important principle: successful people take action as quickly as possible, even though they may perform badly.
Instead of trying to avoid making mistakes and failing, they actively seek opportunities where they can face the limits of their skills and knowledge so that they can learn quickly. They understand that feeling afraid or underprepared is a sign of being in the space for optimal growth and is all the more reason to press ahead. In contrast, when unsuccessful people feel unprepared or afraid, they interpret it as a sign that it is time to stop, readdress their plans, question their motives, or spend more time preparing and planning.
“Successful people take action as quickly as possible, even though they may perform badly.”
Let us ask you some questions: When was the last time you accomplished something that you are really proud of? How did you feel in the time before you reached this accomplishment? Was it comfortable? Easy? Did you have to do things that pushed you beyond your abilities? Did you make mistakes and mess up? If you are like most people, you will probably find that the times in your life when you grew and accomplished the most are also the times when you made the most mistakes and blunders and had to overcome the greatest obstacles.
Do It Badly, as Fast as You Can
When you encounter accomplishments of successful people—whether an enthralling stage performance, a beautiful work of art, an innovative business, or an ingenious invention—it can be easy to think that these accomplishments are the result of unusual brilliance and came into being perfectly formed.
But the truth is that most significant accomplishments arise out of hundreds of mistakes and failures. For example, a seasoned comedian, such as Jerry Seinfeld or Chris Rock, tries thousands of hastily conceived joke ideas, most of which flop, in small clubs and venues. Only a few performance ideas, after many revisions and improvements, make their way into the polished shows presented to national audiences.
Howard Schultz’s creation of Starbucks provides a good example of how success arises from many mistakes.
When Schultz first formed Starbucks, he had the idea of modeling the stores after Italian coffee shops, which would provide a new experience for customers in the United States. Although Schultz’s idea was a good starting point, the Starbucks coffee shops today have little resemblance to his initial concept. In fact, many things were wrong with his idea. In the original stores, the baristas wore bow ties, the menus were primarily in Italian (and annoyed the customers for being so), nonstop opera music played in the background, there were no chairs, and nonfat milk was not served. The coffee shops of today evolved through thousands of experiments, adjustments, and revisions along the way.
‘Fail Fast, Fail Often: How Losing Can Help You Win’ by Ryan Babineaux (Author), John Krumboltz (Author). 208 p. Tarcher. $11.84 ()
Failing quickly in order to learn fast—or what Silicon Valley entrepreneurs commonly call failing forward—is at the heart of many innovative businesses.
The idea is to push ahead with a product as soon as possible to gather feedback and learn about opportunities and constraints so that you can take the next step. This mind-set is at the heart of the brilliant work of Pixar Animation Studios. When Ed Catmull, the cofounder and president of Pixar, describes Pixar’s creative work, he says it involves a process of going from “suck” to “non-suck.” The moviemaking process begins with rough story boards where a few good ideas are buried amid tons of half-baked concepts and outright stinkers. The animation team then works its way through thousands of corrections and revisions before they arrive at a final cut. By giving themselves permission to fail again and again, animators weed out the bad ideas as quickly as possible and get to the place where real work can occur.
As Andrew Stanton, the director of Finding Nemo and WALL-E , describes, “My strategy has always been: Be wrong as fast as we can. Which basically means, we’re gonna screw up, let’s just admit that. Let’s not be afraid of that. But let’s do it as fast as we can so we can get to the answer. You can’t get to adulthood before you go through puberty. I won’t get it right the first time, but I will get it wrong really soon, really quickly.”
Giving yourself permission to make a mess of things is particularly important if you do any sort of creative work. (We should note that all people are creative—which is to say that they live in the real world, form ideas, come up with solutions to problems, have dreams, and forge their own path; your own life is your ultimate creation.)
In her book Bird by Bird, Anne Lamott discusses the challenges faced in writing. She says that an essential aspect of getting work done is allowing yourself to write a “really shitty first draft.” You write a terrible first draft so that you can have a somewhat better second draft, and an even better third draft. As she says, “Very few writers really know what they are doing until they’ve done it.”
It is only sitting down and stringing together some words—despite not knowing what you want to write or where your narrative will go—that puts you into the place where the story can begin to unfold. This expresses an idea that is central to the Fail Fast approach: You can’t know what something is like, how you will feel about it, or what will result from it until you actually are doing it.
[Excerpted from Fail Fast, Fail Often: How Losing Can Help You Win by Ryan Babineaux, PhD., and John Krumboltz, PhD., with the permission of Tarcher/Penguin. Copyright 2013 Ryan Babineaux, PhD., and John Krumboltz, PhD.]
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Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Seven enduring lessons from "It's A Wonderful Life"
1. Your life has purpose
"Each man's life touches so many other lives, and when he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?" says the angel Clarence to George Bailey. One of the obvious points of the film is that, without George around, so many things would have been different. We learn that Bedford Falls, for example, would have been Pottersville. Of course, Zuzu and the other children would never have been born.
But the impact would have stretched far beyond this small town. "George saved his brother's life that day," says the angel Joseph, recalling when George's brother Harry fell through the ice of a frozen pond. Years later, Harry would become a war hero, saving the lives of others. The point is, we have no idea how significantly our lives affect others.
But that's only part of the reason to value your life. Aside from serving others, our lives should be viewed as a gift. As the angel Franklin notes, "At exactly 10:45 p.m. tonight, Earth time, that man will be seriously thinking of throwing away God's greatest gift."
2. Keeping up with the Joneses is for saps
This message is subtly sprinkled throughout the film. But the final example, writes Bob Welch in his book 52 Little Lessons from It's a Wonderful Life, comes when George's son announces that the neighbors have a new car. "Well, what's the matter with our car?" George snaps. "Isn't it good enough for you?"
George's ambition to be more than he is creates a lot of his problems, and is the cause of much restlessness and unhappiness. This is not to say that we shouldn't strive to better ourselves, but that maturity requires finding a balance. Learning to fully appreciate the blessings we have is a daily struggle for most of us, but most of today's pop culture only reinforces consumerism and naked ambition.
The question is, how are we defining our worth these days? It's a Wonderful Life leaves us with a clear message about that. "Dear George, remember no man is a failure who has friends. Thanks for the wings. Love, Clarence."
3. Bad guys don't always get punished
"In many movies, the final scene shows the bad guy being led away in handcuffs," writes Wes McAdams, a pastor from Texas. "It makes us feel good, knowing that justice has been served. Not so in It's A Wonderful Life." In fact, nothing bad happens to the villain.
"I love how George Bailey runs past Potter's window and yells, 'Merry Christmas, Mr. Potter!' and that's the last scene in which we see him," adds McAdams.
In an era when things tended to be resolved before the "The End" sign appeared on the screen, "It's a Wonderful Life deserves credit for not solving every problem with the tinkling of a bell,"adds Mark Spearman.
Welch also notes that in the 1940s, "the Motion Picture Production Code definitely stipulated that criminals must be punished for their crimes," and the case has been made that Mr. Potter might have been guilty of larceny. During a Q&A in 1968, Welch recalls, Capra was asked about why Potter wasn't punished. "[O]ur main interest was what happened to George Bailey. This Lionel Barrymore (the actor who played Potter) character was too crusty, too old, too happy with what he was doing to change. So we just left him as he was."
It would have been easy to turn Potter into a sort of redeemed Ebenezer Scrooge who had seen the error of his ways. But in addition to avoiding a predictably sappy trope, Capra also reminded us that sometimes bad people get away with doing bad things.
4. Don't hire someone just because they are family
This is more of a practical maxim, but with all the touch-feely lessons in the film, it's important to cull some not-so-obvious and not-so-pleasant realities as well. "Uncle Billy, the brother of George's father, nearly ruined the business," recalls Julie Rains. "He drank on the job and didn't seem to be a productive employee even in the best of times. George could have hired a better employee or given him lesser responsibilities, somehow finding a way to show generosity in a way that didn't compromise the business."
5. Appreciate how blessed you already are
During his tirade, George tells Mary, "Everything's wrong!" But after his experience with Clarence, his whole perspective changes. This, explains Welch, is "because the stuff that does matter — family, friends, and faith — has now risen to such pre-eminence in his life that the rest doesn't really matter." Thus, he says things like, "Oh, look at this wonderful old drafty house, Mary! Mary!"
6. How to deliver a good toast
Okay, this one isn't so deep, but it is an important skill. In one scene, George and Mary deliver this toast to a new homeowner: "Bread, that this house may never know hunger. Salt, that life may always have flavor. And wine, that joy and prosperity may reign forever." So often we drone on during these moments. But simpler really is better (and often more eloquent). "It reflects a sentiment woven throughout the story, that things of true worth are not measured in dollars, but in the currency of friendship and family, and the good karma one puts out into the world," writesMark Spearman.
7. Marry the right person
George's mother tells him that Mary is the "kind who will help you find your answers." She was right under his nose all along, of course. But once they do get married, she sticks with him through thick and thin.
Romance is merely one of the themes in this film — not the dominant theme as it is in Love Actually— and yet the romance between Mary and George is deeper and more palpable. I would argue this is because real romantic love transcends the superficial "love at first sight" baloney Hollywood is selling us. For more on that, see my post on why rom-coms are arguably worse than porn.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
How to be a good party guest
It’s the season of entertaining, of party hosting and turkey roasting—but it’s not all fun and games. There’s a code of etiquette that needs to be followed, and it’s time we all had a refresher. Emily Post wrote the Bible of good behavior, but we’ve got the Cliff’s notes:Put. Down. The Phone. We’re all guilty of Instagramming the moments you don’t want to forget (and want others to seethe over), but give it a break, for once. We highly recommend a phone stack and a meal-shot moratorium. Just this once.
Nobody likes a flake. We’re only going to say this once: Enough with “Maybe” Facebook responses and no-shows. If you say you’re going, show.
Show up with champers. You’d never dare show up empty-handed (would you?!), and since there’s always something to celebrate this time of year, why not make it memorable with a little Prosecco to pass? We like Nino Franco Rustico or Lunetta if your selection’s limited.
Give good gift. Listen, there’s no event in the next month you shouldn’t be prepared to gift for. A well-stocked gift drawer pays back in dividends (i.e., repeat invites), so make the purchases now and be thankful later. Everyone loves a scented candle, anything Aesop, or even something for the bar.
Dietary restrictions are on you. We know, it’s hard to stay gluten-free/vegetarian/macrobiotic/Dukkan this time of year. But unless you’re headed to Mom’s, it’s just not nice to put the burden of accommodation on your host. Bring your own dish to pass so you know you’ll have something to eat besides cranberry sauce.
Don’t be boring. The best defense is a good offense—in other words, come prepared. Read your daily TheSkimm, give the Dinner Party Download a whirl, or trust the Sunday Stylesfor a heartfelt piece.
Compliments. Give ‘em out like candy but never insincerely.
Drop the drama. This isn’t the scene to dredge up annoyances or settle the score with a fellow guest. Save it for the cameras.
Follow up. The ultimate re-invitation guarantee: yep, still the handwritten note.
Friday, November 29, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
How to truly simplify your life
Over the past 25 years, I’ve moved homes many, many times. And, in the next few months, I’ll be moving once again. With each move I’ve viewed it as an opportunity to let go of what I no longer need or want. Some moves are more successful than others.
And I’ve accomplished this — for the most part. As I unpack the boxes and settle into my new home and have found the “perfect place” for my belongings I let out a breath and can relax. Then when it comes time to pack up and move again, I can’t help but wonder how I still end up with so many things that I haven’t worn, used or enjoyed — how does this happen?
One reason is that because we’re constantly evolving and changing, our needs and preferences change. What we wanted and liked six months ago, may or not be what prefer today.
Taking an inventory of “the stuff” in our lives on a regular basis is a key to keeping life simple, manageable and fun. Before purchasing something new, ask, “Is this something I LOVE? Do I really need it now? Can I live without it?” When you choose to fill your home only with things you need and love, your home becomes a functional sanctuary rather than a cluttered, not so peaceful, living space.
This same approach can be applied to every other area of our lives including relationships. Begin with an honest inquiry. Does this relationship bring me joy? Is this relationship mutually beneficial? How is this relationship serving me? Relationships are another form of clutter taking up our energy, time, and attention. If you’re feeling drained by certain people in your life you have a choice — either renegotiate the relationship or bless its gifts and let it go.
Letting go of people isn’t as simple as discarding extra paper or clothing, but when done with love and compassion healing is possible. I recently let go of two friendships and one business relationship. Although I loved my friends, I was “giving” more in the relationship than I was receiving and it didn’t feel balanced.
Although the conversations with both individuals weren’t easy, they were necessary for my happiness. The result — I feel like a big weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I have even more time for the relationships in my life where there’s mutual love, admiration and respect. Letting go of people, places and things that no longer serve us or bring us joy not only creates space, but signals to the universe we’re ready (and have room) for something greater. When our life is already too full, we can’t receive all of the gifts that life has in store for us.
As I prepare for moving this time, I vow to let go of everything that I no longer really, really need, want or love. Letting go leads to happiness.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Morning routines for productive people
What do Benjamin Franklin and Anna Wintour have in common? No, it's not their personal style. They're both (or for Ben, was) early risers.Productive people know that mornings are a great time for getting things done. Laura Vanderkam, author of What the Most Successful People Do Before Breakfast, notes morning is the perfect time to be creative, to exercise and perhaps most importantly, to have some time to oneself before the rest of the world wakes up. Science shows that willpower is greatest in the morning. So take advantage of it and do the things that require self-discipline, like going to the gym or doing your taxes, early in the day.
How we spend our mornings sets the tone for the rest of the day. A calm and productive morning is very different from a frantic one.
What can you do to make your mornings more productive and less hectic?
1. Planning is priceless. Prepare the night before. Watch the weather. Choose your outfit. Keep your keys, cellphone, etc., always in the same place, preferably by the door.
2. Use a Jawbone instead of an alarm clock to wake you up. It gently vibrates on your wrist rather than violently jarring you awake.
3. Make your bed. The physical movement is good for you. Think of it as stretching. Plus, it's so much better to come home to a tidy bedroom.
4. Exercise. Just 20 minutes of a moderate activity will boost your mood and give you energy all day long.
5. Make priorities simple and easy. If you want to run in the morning, place your sneakers with your iPod and running clothes by your bed. If you want to spend more quality time with your kids, turn the television off and put down the newspaper.
6. Be Mindful. Brush your teeth with your left hand if you are right handed and vice versa. It reminds you to pay attention and be in the moment.
7. Spend a few minutes outside taking in the fresh air and daylight. Natural light and environments are important for well-being.
8. Eat well. Some fruit, some oatmeal. Something. And skip the juice or the smoothie. Is it that much trouble to chew something?
9. Grace Period. Allow 15 minutes of extra time to get to appointments so you can arrive with grace and dignity.
"Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man [or woman] healthy, wealthy and wise." -- Benjamin Franklin
Monday, October 28, 2013
Gen Y: You're not "entitled," you're unlucky
Employment's social contract -- the tie between employees' effort and proportionate results -- has fundamentally broken. We didn't mean to leave Gen Y with a broken social contract. It was a path paved by good intentions and reasonable business decisions. Take outsourcing, for example. Companies could get the same work for less cost and draw from a wider talent pool -- that's completely rational. Another popular cost-cutting initiative circa 2000 was reorganization, which removed high-paid middle-management positions (otherwise known as "a chance at promotion") and spread that work to remaining employees.
These rational business decisions -- innovations largely attributable to Baby Boomers -- had consequences, however. Immediately it meant fewer jobs domestically and increased competition. It also meant fewer promotion opportunities, so people started to stay in jobs longer (churn between jobs has dropped 25 percent annually since pre-recession levels). Suddenly, what used to be an entry-level job became a destination job, meaning one less spot for a new grad to cut his or her teeth.
More figuratively, it reduced employee confidence in the social contract with their employers. For Gen X (my own cohort), "putting in your time" used to mean 3-5 years as an analyst before becoming a manager; for Gen Y it now means 3-5 years in service & retail before the first analyst job. In that light, it makes sense that Gen Y would be skeptical of promises about the future, since even gainful employment out of college is now in question.
I've seen Millennials' increased interest in targeting fulfilling careers used as proof of their entitlement. To wit, apparently Google searches for a "fulfilling career" are growing while those for a "secure career" are falling. This to me is less proof of entitlement and more a real-life example of the maximin strategy. A maximin strategy is one that makes decisions based on which option offers the best worst-case scenario. There's no guarantee any career these days will be secure or lucrative, so one might as well target something fulfilling, all other things being equal.
I fear that Gen X-and-above use "entitlement" as code for something far darker when describing Gen Y, which is why I refuse to use the word. Due to both fundamental attribution error (if a situation goes well, it's because of my own virtues; if not, it's because of the faults of others) and the just-world fallacy (people get what they deserve), it's human nature to blame Gen Y's job search difficulty on their character flaws rather than our business decisions. That doesn't make it right, however. Older generations -- wittingly or unwittingly -- played a role in Gen Y's current struggles, either by creating policies that reduced entry-level job or promotion opportunities, or choosing to stay in a safe, stable entry-level job, denying that job from a new grad.
Yes, it's odd to us older folks that Gen Y wants to bring their parents to interviews. However, I think it was the parents, not the kids, who first offered that as an option, seeking to use whatever sway they had to improve their children's outcomes in a competitive market where there are three job seekers per open job. Gen Y didn't create Helicopter Parents -- they evolved together.
We can't change the past, and I'm not sure we'd want to. Those rational business decisions of the past 20 years likely helped this country weather the economic storms we've since faced. As a career coach, my job is to help job seekers succeed regardless of economic circumstances, but understanding my consumers and withholding judgment is a key first step.
I'll call Gen Y unlucky. I'll call them victims of a bad economy. I refuse to call Gen Y entitled.
Source
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Bullied teen makes a heartwarming video
Shane Koyczan was bullied a lot when he was a kid. So he took that pain and made this stunning video with the help of some amazingly talented people. It's kind of breathtaking and powerful, just a warning. Also, it has a happy ending.
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